Purpose.

The title is simple.  I found a few really very interesting and creative blogs today, and enjoyed generally perusing them.  Most dealt with some aspect of self-improvement—losing weight, paying off debt, managing time or energy.  All of these are great and worthy goals—and I share them!  These themed blogs are great, and I’ve wondered if I should have a theme to my blog, after all.  I’ve debated this issue internally before.  I don’t blog frequently; I don’t really feel that my thoughts are all that valuable to anyone else

In order to partially address the “theming” question, I re-read a particular post: Explanations

Whether I like it or not, much of that post is still true.

Chronicles of a 30-year-old-teen?  Until I reach my 40’s, it’s still accurate (ish). Like a teen, I still suffer from inadequacy issues.  I’ve still not mastered managing my finances (dang).  I’m struggling with my weight.  I live daily with my beloved depression.

I suppose part of this also stems from the fact that I’ve been on prednisone for 8 weeks to control THAT IMMUNE REACTION.  More on that separately and later—if I still feel like it.  The point is that it mucked with hormonal levels and my body has once again been completely haywire.  The lack of control that I feel in my daily life is a neverending source of stress to me.  Worse, I don’t want to turn into an utter control freak, obsessing over every calorie, or laundry, or nickel spent, or whether I hopelessly screwed up by failing to meet some “no snooze button challenge” that sounds like it might help me achieve something like extra time (yes) or sanity (no) or control (maybe).

People often talk about what they’re willing to die for.  That’s easy.

One person asked me what I would LIVE for, and that turns out to be a much more difficult question (for a depressive).  What do I want out of life?  Really, truly want?  How do I imagine my life and my future?  Part of the problem is that I never really have, or have tried.  I may have a good imagination in some regards, but I have never been able to freely envision/imagine/picture my future.  The closest I come is a comfy chair, a cat in my lap, a good book, and a glass of wine.  In more recent years I’ve added a fireplace.  This is my version of happiness; I don’t expect it to be yours.

But the simple truth is that I don’t want to theme this blog because I don’t want to see myself through that much of a lens.  It’s like being a diabetic—it’s just not the SUM TOTAL of who you are.  I don’t want to be “the evolution professor” or “the scientist” or “the cook” or “the sick/injured bitchy person” (though the latter is a really great description of me lately).  I am all of these things, and none—I am me.  I know me, or parts of me.

I know I can categorise and tag posts—if I could think of those associations while I wrote the entries.  Mmmmmhmmmmm.  Right.  But doesn’t that become so… artificial?  If I break it down into cooking, and health, and politics, and rants… you miss the integrated me.

So you may just be stuck with my stream-of-consciousness blogs.  More’s the pity.  I hope it’s a richer read thereby—but I make no assurances that it will ever make logical sense.

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